Dear Sophie,
I wrote this as I was thinking of you on your birthday.
Love,
Mom
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As of one minute ago, the most beautiful little baby girl turned 1 year old. And I am her mom.
I'm a little nostalgic...and a little weepy.
Everyone told me a lot of 'things' when I was pregnant. They tried preparing me for the work. They tried preparing me for the labor...
Everyone told me about mother's instinct.
safety precautions. And allergy warnings.
When I was pregnant, everyone was sure to let me know that I wasn't to consume shellfish, tuna, coldcuts, sushi, alcohol, unwashed fruits and vegetables, coffee (all caffeine actually) diet coke, (well, diet anything) Chinese food, feta cheese, peanuts, all nuts, some peanut butters, and queso dips.
"Don't eat too much"
"Be sure to eat for 2. Take advantage."
"You don't want the drugs"
"Don't be a hero. Take the drugs!"
They all said these things.
While everyone had something to say, no one said what a beautiful bitch motherhood would be.
...
Every morning I wake up to the sounds of my daughter's little voice babbling in her crib. In excitement, I run to her room. Every morning I run to her room, I am greeted by that same beaming smile that makes me feel lucky to be here. Makes me know there IS a God, and He is so good.
With each passing hour, I watch my daughter become a little longer, a little bigger, a little faster, and a lot sharper. No one told me how your entire body can fill up with absolute indeniable raw and vulnerable pride. The elation and joy to which you feel for this person...Love isn't even enough.
So you're wondering how any of this could be a bad thing?
It's not. It's not bad. It's confusing, and it's scary.
I watch my heartbeat move further and further away from me with each milestone she shatters. And the thought that it's going to continue this way until she's a woman is not any consulation.
What's a mother to do? Moms? What do you do?
I know the right answer would be this:
"All I can do is tell her I love her everyday. take lots of pictures. give lots of kisses. love her father. and enjoy this bittersweet, but beautiful ride."
And I do that. I soak up every stage in my daughter's life. I feel the love to the greatest depths it can be felt, but the sad truth is that for as long as I am alive, I am vulnerable. For my heart no longer beats inside of me...This is just the torment of motherhood.
